What do you do when your child comes out to you as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and/or queer identified?

How can you be supportive of your sexually and/or gender diverse son or daughter?
Whether your child has come out to you, of if you found out unintentionally that your son or daughter is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer, your child needs you now. Every child's worst fear is that by coming out their parents will reject them. No matter what your beliefs, fears or prejudices, you need to let your child know that you love them.

Your child is the same person as before coming out of the closet. Remember, someone's sexual orientation and/or gender identity is just one part of who they are. Your child who loved pro wrestling and The Beatles is still the same kid you've loved since birth. Nothing about them has changed. You just have more knowledge about their life. Take this opportunity to connect as you did before you knew they were gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer. Was there a meal you liked to cook together, a favorite TV show you watched? Make sure you continue to do the things you did as a family.

Show an Interest in Your Gay Child's life

Talk to your son or daughter. If you feel comfortable asking questions about her sexual orientation/ gender identity, do so. But you don't need to focus on sexual orientation. Talk to her about school, her job, other activities and interests. Studies show that children whose parents take an interest in their lives are less likely to engage in risky behavior.

 

What You May Be Going Through

You may feel depressed and isolated, like you have no one you can talk to. Find yourself a supportive counselor if you need it.

 

Things will be different now then perhaps you hoped for you child. Most parents believe their children will grow up to be heterosexual, get married and have children. Letting go of that dream for your child can be hard. Remember though, that was your dream. Your child may still choose to spend their life with one partner and have children. Gay marriage is legal in Ontario! Even though your child did not choose to be gay, they may make some life choices you do not agree with. Although this may be hard for you, remember, it's their life and they have the right to live it as their own.

 

What Your Gay, Lesbian, Transgender or Queer Identified Child is Going Through?

When people come out, they often question their place in society. They wonder how they will fit in with the family. Will they still have a family? Get married, have children? How will their church or faith community accept them? Will their friends accept or reject them?

 

You have a choice. You can help your child feel accepted and loved, or you can add to their feelings of isolation. Make sure your child knows they still have a place in the family, no matter what the outside world tells them.

 

Transgender Kids

To be a transgender person means that your gender identity (if we identify as male or female) does not match their biologically born sex.  Being a transgender youth can be very difficult.  Not only do you feel as if you "are in the wrong body" but if these teens decide to disclose their gender identity to others they may face intense discrimination.  The transgender community is still slowly becoming visible to society.  At some point your previously identified son or daughter may come to you for support.  It is crucial that you are there for them, as this is a difficult and wonderful discovery in one's life which can entail various emotional and physical transitions.  Your child may choose at some point that he or she is ready to begin their life as their gender identified sex.  This usually consists of starting their biological transition.  Your child may feel as if they want to begin hormone treatments (HRT).  For example:  Females to males (F2M) take Testosterone, and males to females (M2F) may begin taking estrogen and androgen blockers. Their are also surgical options that he or she may begin to inquire about.  Females to males at some point may decide that they want to have "top-surgery".  This entails what is know as "Bilateral Male Chest Reconstruction" which is essence means removal or alteration of the breast in order to create a male contoured chest appearance. For male to females surgical procedures may include but are not limited to electrolysis, Adam's apple shaving, or breast implants.  So as you can see, this transition is in much need of emotional and spiritual support.  There is still a lot of stigma surrounding the Transgender Community due to not only ignorance, but the reality that identifying as transgender and/or transsexual is still classified as a "mental disorder" in the (DSM-IV) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders under "Gender Identity Disorder".  This classification often leads to feelings of being deemed as deviant in transgender people.  It is imperative to remember that "homosexuality" was classified as a "mental disorder" in the DSM-IV up until 1973.  The fact is that your child needs support and love for who they truly are, which is a beautiful and courageous person.

There are links to transgender support in our resources section. www.transparentcanada.com is a wonderful support page for parents.

 

You can help your child connect with a supportive community. Many cities have support groups for gay, lesbian, transgender and/or queer identified youth. First check the group out. Offer to drive your child to a meeting. Your local PFLAG, TransParent or COLAGE chapter can offer support to both your and your child (see below).

 

Who Can I Tell?

Who to come out to is ultimately your child's choice. Who you tell can have a consequence on their life. On the other hand, you might need to talk to someone and don't want to keep such important information to yourself. It's important that you be able to get the support that you need. Check in with your child before you tell anyone about their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Let them know you need to be able to talk to people to get support for yourself.